Has your mother ever had to tell you to “take human bites”? Well Giancarlo Stanton of the Miami Marlins needs to take a lesson from moms everywhere and take human bites. As teammate Dee Gordon shows us, Stanton needs a little “Kit Kat Couth” …
— Dee Gordon (@FlashGJr) June 1, 2015
Dee Gordon is correct. Giancarlo Stanton needs to learn that you can’t just eat a Kit Kat anyway you want. There’s a process to it. Heck, Nestle even makes it easy for you, by perforating the chocolate! They make it easy for the consumer to break the Kit Kat into individual columns, so you can eat them one at a time and savor the rich, chocolatey goodness that comes packed in every bite. They’re not to be eaten as if it was one tiny morsel of wafer. I mean, does one really need instructions on how to eat a Kit Kat? They’re not Oreos where there are a million ways to eat them and everybody thinks theirs is the right way but in reality they’re all correct. No! This is a Kit Kat. You break them up, and eat them one at a time!
Now look, Stanton is a large man and can eat things however he likes. But that doesn’t mean it’s a good idea. When you just go eating Kit Kats every which way and ruin the natural order of things, who knows how you affect the future. This could lead to famine, wars, new Justin Bieber albums … I mean, think of the consequences for humanity, Giancarlo! Wings of a butterfly!!! WINGS OF A BUTTERFLY!!!!! ACTIONS HAVE CONSEQUENCES!!!
(Seriously, I hope Giancarlo Stanton gets an endorsement deal out of this. This is a natural commercial opportunity, and Dee Gordon had better have a starring role. C’mon, Nestle. Make this happen.)
Picture of Stanton flying through the air by Justin K. Aller/Getty Images